What happens when we make friends across borders? Two writers discuss their British-Italian friendship and the intriguing cognitive science behind such cross-cultural connections.
David Robson, London: Aristotle famously described friendship as having "one soul dwelling in two bodies," but what challenges arise when that bond stretches across countries?
In my latest book, I explored the psychology of social connections, and I find that my conversations with friends often become quite reflective. I frequently discuss the topic of friendship with them. I was especially interested in hearing the thoughts of my Italian "sister," Alessia Franco, who lives in Palermo, Sicily, about the joys of making friends from another country.
Although certain psychological barriers can make it harder to connect with someone from a different background, research suggests that these cross-cultural and cross-linguistic connections offer unique benefits, which we have experienced in our own friendship.
As friends and frequent co-writers, it felt natural for us to explore this topic in depth. I'll let Alessia begin.
Alessia Franco, Palermo: Throughout a journalist's career, they meet hundreds of people. The number depends on the type of work, whether we feel the need to be present for every story or prefer to alternate between observing and reflecting. However, we rarely expect to form lasting connections with the people we meet.
I first met David in one of Sardinia's most remote villages to record a series of short films about the reasons behind the residents' extraordinary longevity. David was the host, and I was the producer. We assumed that once our work was done, we would each return to our lives in London and Sicily without further contact. One of the first things I appreciated was David's willingness to "take one for the team." I don't drink alcohol, yet the Sardinians we met often offered us their homemade wine as if it were coffee. Refusing would have been impolite, but David always helped me finish my glass without our hosts noticing.
This secret understanding was the first step toward our friendship. It was only a few months after the project ended that we got back in touch. I can't remember who reached out first, but soon we were brainstorming ideas for future projects. We quickly realized how well our interests complemented each other. I am a cultural journalist and storyteller who writes magical realism novels. David is a science communicator who seeks to make sense of the world through data and analysis.
Together, we have explored diverse topics like the mysterious disappearance of the Island Ferdinandea, shipwrecks that are rewriting world history, the secrets of the Montessori method, and the challenge of helping children raised in Mafia families. Through these projects, we have come to feel more like siblings than colleagues.
From our appearance, it's hard to imagine two more unlikely "siblings": unlike me, David is tall, blond, and blue-eyed. But our sense of kinship is found in the novels we read, with our shared love for Virginia Woolf, Anna Maria Ortese, and Zadie Smith. We both feel that literature is a part of who we are, and it is also central to our friendship.
David: I couldn't have said it better myself (though few English people would consider my hair blond). Despite the physical distance—we have spent fewer than two weeks in the same place together—Alessia is at the very center of my social circle, along with just a few other people.
This might be surprising since we don't share all seven pillars of friendship—seven factors that can greatly influence the closeness of social bonds, according to research by Robin Dunbar at the University of Oxford. Speaking the same language or dialect and growing up in the same place are two of these key factors. Alessia and I don't share a native language and grew up in very different places, the UK and Italy.
However, we do match on the five remaining pillars on Dunbar's list: having a similar educational background or profession, the same hobbies and interests, a similar worldview (a mix of moral, religious, and political views), the same sense of humor, and the same musical taste.
As Dunbar explains in his book Friends: Understanding the Power of Our Most Important Relationships, most people's social networks include about 150 people, and someone's place within that network depends on the number of pillars supporting the relationship. People might share just one or two pillars with those on the outer edges of their social circle, compared to six or seven with those at the core.
Despite us scoring only five out of seven pillars, my bond with Alessia is very strong. Does this mean some factors in Dunbar's list are more important than others? Research on the importance of shared activities for maintaining a friendship might help answer that question.